Cocktail Chatter: Have Another Round
Part 2 - Written by Lyra Sage
So, there I was, just listening with a drink in hand. I looked over at Jim to see his reaction to the “bashing” of his mother and brother. I couldn’t help myself; I said, “Jim, what is your take on all of this?” He took a breath and replied, “I love them both, but Leo has some serious growing up to do. We actually lived in two different types of households.” Jim then went on to explain that he is ten years older than Leo. The house he lived in, while not filled with loving parents, did not subject him to the arguments that Leo experienced. When he left home for college, Leo was eight, and their mother pitted Leo against their father. When talking about his father, Jim, Selena, and Katie described him as pretty much a saint.
The conversation then turned to how Leo has never accepted responsibility for any of his actions or treatment of others. Leo is a very successful man; he owns two mortgage-free homes, has a substantial retirement, and essentially has no bills. Yet, his emotional maturity is that of a 15-year-old. Nothing is his fault; his past relationships have failed miserably, and his MO is that his partners end the relationship. The family perceives it as though he cannot be alone, so his next relationship is already established by the time the current partner walks out the door.
Selena interjected, and even with Katie sitting there, reported that Leo has never been faithful. Katie stated that she has suspicions, and the admissions started flowing among the three of them.
I was figuratively in the DSM-5 at this point. I diagnosed the mother with some type of attachment disorder (evidently, she was raised by wolves—not really, but she was shuffled from relative to relative as her mother died in childbirth and her father lived down the road). Just her story is a therapist’s dream! Leo has every characteristic of a narcissist, and in this case, I would say Leo’s issues stem from his mother’s love, or lack thereof. Jim and Selena stated several times that she is unloving and has an air of superiority that is infuriating. But I digress.
By this time, I could not hold my tongue and fell straight into “armchair therapist” mode. I mentioned some of the things I was thinking, and Selena and Katie nodded their heads, telling more stories that supported my “diagnosis.” I was positioned in the seating to see Jim directly. He was taking all of this in; the trooper that he is, I mean, we were kind of pounding on his family! A silence fell for a brief moment, and Jim filled the void.
He looked at me point-blank and said, “I think you are on to something.” We talked for another hour, and I could see that this was mentally exhausting for everyone involved. I stood up and said, “I AM STARVING!”
I have talked to Jim and Selena several times over the last few weeks. Our conversations have not gone as deep. There are a few blurbs about Patti and her newest antics, what our summer plans are, etc. Yet in one conversation, Jim said to me, “When are you coming back to visit? I have been reading up on family systems, attachment disorders, narcissism, and all kinds of other stuff. I have so many questions!” I laughed and asked if he had ever thought about going to therapy. He chuckled, and Selena (we were on speakerphone) said, “Why would we? It’s so much more fun with you!”
Do they need to seek an expert? I cannot answer that. It is encouraging that a conversation over cocktails with friends one night has opened a path to emotional growth within one part of the family. We all have wounds, we all have traumas, and yet, no matter our age, as seen in this case, hearts and minds have opened, and fresh outlooks are being discovered.
